I want to call my dad.

What would this world be like if we could make a call to heaven? 

well, I was about to write out a list, and then I realized:
If we could call heaven,
We'd only talk to God.

God is who and what every person searches for and
what every person truly needs.

If we could call heaven, then  everything would be different.

---

As you know, we can't call heaven,
and we can't call God,
and we can't call anyone else who is there.

if, and
only if we would call heaven and still have the same
physical, mental, and (mostly) spiritual boundaries that we have now,
I would call my dad.

here

As you might have known/guessed/been totally confused about from my last post,
it's been really hard to write.

Shoot -
it's been hard to write
and to talk
and to
think.

Grief - year one is now done, year two isn't that fun.

That being said, year two, while not without it's vices, definitely has already had some victories.

So here I am,
trying to express myself again,
whilst dealing with existing in and getting out of the
deep dark hole that is
grief.

Thanks, as always,
for reading!

Asleep awake asleep

Here I go to sleep
Awake awake
And soon asleep
Wishing away what will be in my dreams
Here I go to sleep

It's been a hard summer,
One that I look forward to putting to bed.
I look forward to the fall,
And what comes with all of that.
So while I have had a hard time
writing, speaking, and thinking,
I look onward to putting to sleep this summer of silence and
waking up my words really soon.

revisited.

a lot of things happened this week.

a lot more things happened this week, one year ago.

when it comes to grief, most people forget you are suffering after some point in time,
and that is almost the hardest thing about it.

one year ago, i went home to be with my dad during his last month of life.

when you experience grief, the first year is in fact the hardest, and the
anniversaries are the toughest part.

oddly enough, this time it wasn't the date of the anniversary, but the day.

A Tuesday - that's when I went home on a bus, was picked up by a friend,
who transferred me to my waiting sister, who brought home to be with dad.

This past Tuesday, it had been 52 weeks (not quite a year),
and this past Tuesday,
almost no one actually knew what that day truly meant.

The anniversary of the beginning of the toughest month of my life.

Hopefully I can share some of the lightness from that month - there was more
lightness there
than most people can understand -
but please know that what posts I can actually write out may, at times,
be difficult in tone for most people.

It's just that - this is almost the only place i feel like i can actually explain what is going on.

Thanks in advance for reading[/listening].
It means a so much.

and then there was...

two!

John's back on Friday from his
6-week chaplaincy training.

First there was two,
then there was one -
                               one here,
                                         one there,
- then there was two,
and now we're ready to (geographically, et. al.) be one again!!!

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
In some circumstances, no - it doesn't.
In this circumstance, yes - it did.

If I have time, and
if I get in a writing mode like I'm in right now,
I'll explain later
            (tomorrow)
                      how this has all worked.

Right now,
I just thought I'd let you all know I'm excited.



(!!!!) 

ray of life

I always thought geometry was the most practical of all the math disciplines.

Sure, if you're in a math-heavy field,
linear algebra or differential equations may be a bit more relevant for you.

Geometry, I feel, truly can reflect time and space.

--- --- --- --- ---

In May,  I was up in MN for my sister's graduation and mother's day.

It was a good weekend for sure, but a hard one, too.

My sister looked gorgeous (per usual) with her friends on that day,

her boyfriend (a true winner) was loyal and dedicated in every way,

and my mom looked as proud as punch both on that day and the day before
when we celebrated her in our lives.


I'd be lying, however, if I said that there wasn't any sadness that day.

Just a little more than 9 months had passed since my dad died;

9 months is hardly a school year's worth of time.

He was so close to seeing Ash walk across that stage.
So close,
yet
so,
so,
so
far.

Nothing is farther away than a loved one in a place that you can't see,
can't call,
can't visit.

So close,
yet
so,
so,
so
far.

--- --- --- --- ---

A ray is a line which starts at a certain point with given coordinates,
and then
the line goes off in a particular direction to infinity,
possibly through a second point.

source

After looking at this definition and this picture, I see 3 things:

1. The end point, no matter how close it is to something, is the beginning of an end.
2. The ending direction doesn't stop.
3. The end can pass through, possibly, a second point.

My dad thankfully passed through a second point. 
He died - his life on earth is done, and it is absolutely painful for us who wish he was here.
He passed through the point of death, and then he passed through the point of life.

Eternal life - in heaven - is now what he has.
Eternal life - in heaven, with God and Christ - is now what he has...infinitely. 

don't call it a comeback

Given the hard realities of the last year and the
overall difficulty getting back into the swing of things as I know it,
cooking and baking have been a rather low priority, especially
trying new things.

Now, with John almost home and
the summer really kicking in,
I ended up getting excited about cooking something tasty.

I know - it's been a while, and
wouldn't you know -
I'm-a gonna post a picture
of a little dish I thought up today.

Caprese Bruschetta


Tomato topping: 2 handfuls of tomatoes go into a small sauce pot that has been drizzled with olive oil.  Salt and pepper the tomatoes, drizzle a little more oil on the tomatoes and cover with a lid.  Saute on medium heat. 
Once the tomatoes start to "pop" (you'll hear the steam coming out of them - 5 or 6 minutes), take a wooden spoon or a skimmer and squish all of the tomatoes until they are popped.  Add a clove or two of minced garlic (the amount depends on whether you like garlic a lot). 
Turn up the heat to medium-high, and let the mixture reduce so a saucy consistency.  Take it off the heat, add chopped basil & grated Parmesan, 2-4 tablespoons each, depending on your liking.  Taste and add salt and pepper as needed.

Italian Bread: slice, spread on olive oil, toast under a broiler, don't walk away from said broiler.

Mozzarella Cheese:  Slice two 1/4 inch thick pieces of mozz.  Cut both in half and squish until they are thin. 

Assembly: Place a piece of mozzarella onto each piece of bread.  Spoon the tomato mixture proportionately onto the bread and cheese.  Put the bruschetta onto a plate, place the plate near a window, take a picture with your phone, and enjoy.

Want normal-shaped bread? Don't walk away from the broiler. :)

 

a writer.

I think the first time I ever said that
I was a "writer" was
just this last spring to my then-boss.

Long-story-short, we were talking about
the nature of our communications department
(3 people strong!)
and how it had developed.  My boss was great, and
he gave me and my coworker a lot of writing projects to do.

As this conversation started to conclude, I said, with
great hesitation,
"I like this job - I like the creativity, and I like writing,
because I am a writer."  There was
a pause after that,
because I don't always feel like my blogging is "writing" rather
than just talking and
leading you all through my thought process.

Some people call this kind of writing
poetry;
I call it
actively causing you're eye to
follow my words by using
progressive verb tense and
prepositional phrases.
              Also, the use of interesting
                                formatting doesn't hurt with
                                                obtaining your attention, either.

Anyway, I'm saying these things because
     a. I read the Daily Generous Wife blog,
         b. The author of that blog linked this 15-day writing activity, and
             c. I've had a lot of thoughts in my head lately, and this is at least one
                 that is easy to get out.


Also, on a whole other topic,
today is the anniversary of D-Day.
I'm incredibly thankful for the
immense bravery and sacrifice
the soldiers had on that day.

"My weakness I feel, I must finally show"

Hit play and then read, please.

Sorry for the inevitable 15 seconds of advertising,
which probably/almost absolutely happened - this is likely the only
legal copy of this song on YouTube.

--- --- ---

There's nothing like a tough day in infertility land.
Well, actually,
there's nothing like a tough day in infertility land when
more reminders of what you're missing are appearing
all
over
the
place.


The "tough-ness" happens to be particularly difficult
during times of change.

--- --- ---

I've been quiet lately; it's something
that happens when there is a lot going on.
Here's what's all going on: 

1. We're taking a "break" from trying to conceive (TTC). It's produced as many challenges as it has relief.
2. I start a new job today. It's a needed and wanted change, yet out of my safe/comfort zone.
3. John leaves for 6 weeks very soon.
4. Grief is making a comeback, producing vivid memories of incredible clarity.

 --- --- ---

Truthfully, this year has been tough, and
there is a bit of a constant haze that has
kept me from understanding
how life should be, how I should be.

I have a lot of stuff to work on,
and most of what needs to be worked on
will be in God's strength and timing
(because
there's no way
I could fix all of this).

It's clear that I've gotten a little "better,"
but I would appreciate everyone's prayers
that these weaknesses I have
that I'll be beginning to show
will be uplifted with God's strength.

weeks - days - forever

6 weeks -
                 how long my husband will be gone for army chaplain training.
2 weeks (plus a day) -
                                   how long until he leaves
3 days -
              the length of his drill this weekend
Forever -
                 how long I'll love him (and him, me).