Tuesday, March 12, 2013

TTC T: Why can't I get pregnant?

When you search the words
"Why can't I" in a
Google search bar,
the first completed sentence that comes up is
"Why can't I get pregnant?"

Such a painful, piercing question.

It almost left my vocabulary entirely, that is
until I was a week late.

Once you allow the thermometer to accompany you
an the charting to measure you
and the cycles to define you (or, really, your uterus -
but sometimes,
you tend to know what's happening when and
what shouldn't

Instead of dealing with the same pain the same way each month,
I developed a numbness,
a denial, in a way, that allowed me to
acknowledge that something I have
is the signal for
something I do not, but that it is
a normal,
yet simple thing.

Well, when the unexpected happens and they
signal a
confusion, then
          concern, then
                      fear, then
                        wonder, then
                           anticipation, then

I haven't tangibly felt hope in a very long time,
and it was fleeting. 
The old questions crept back,

It doesn't feel that great to hear one big
empty, silent answer.
Regardless how that feels,
I have faith
and plenty of reason to believe,
as hard and sometimes impossible as it is,
that there's hope. 

Friday, March 1, 2013

Fixing Skinny Fat

I hope you all enjoy this little venture into and out of the
confusing thoughts I tend to have
when it comes to health.

I'm all about healthy eating, and I'm
all about being active and working out,
and I'm all about maintaining a positive outlook on life.

Yes, I'm all about those things, except for when it comes to myself.

I'm about the same weight I've been for the last 5 years,
the same size in outer- and under-garments, and
pretty much look about the same in the face.

Well, I'll tell you what (and it takes a lot for me to put this out here):
skinny-fat is what I am, and it's been taking the effort
to move a mountain to get me from being that way.

What's skinny-fat?  Well, while most people would find my
height, weight, size, stature desirable (except for when it comes to clothes shopping),
my health is probably worse than many of those who outweigh me by 20 or 30 lbs
yet possess strength and muscle development.

It's hard for some people to understand why
being the size I am isn't always a "godsend,"
and it's also hard for some people
(some of whom have practically called me a liar!)
to believe that I did struggle with weight at one point in my life.

Please note that I am sensitive to those with
genetic difficulties and food additions and physical limitations. 
This is not a comparison to those who are in a medically difficult situation.  

Freshmen year of college did me many favors -
great friends, a great school, great college ministry.
Where I screwed up immensely was with my eating habits.
Long story short, I worked that following summer to get back to my
pre-college size and health.
Longer story short, I've learned that calories in + calories out = weight maintenance.

What has taken me longer (much, much longer) to do is to actually
change my eating and working-out lifestyle to one that helps my
overall health, not just my weight.  You'd think I'd learn that given
my dad's struggle with health during the last 21 years of his life,
but food has become something I only wanted to eat in the easiest way possible. 

I'll tell ya - I'd have 100+ more posts about food on here if I
actually cooked as much as I need to, but when I don't want to cook,
we - me and my hubs - go for something easy, cheap(ish...not really), and typically crappy.
Granted, we do make good choices from time to time, but
being lethargic about food has usurped all of that.

SO, that was the round-about-way of letting you all know how
I've come to this place in my life where I know I need to make
a change for my health.  Oh, but one more detail:

my jeans are getting annoyingly tight, and I hate it.

No, I don't have as far to go as someone on "The Biggest Loser,"
but my life has all the makings for ending up on that show
5, 10, 20 years down the road.
I don't want that to happen, so I'm using these
tight jeans of mine that weren't tight when I bought them
as a sign.  It's a sign, simple and "minor" as it is, that I need
to get my butt into gear (literally) and
make a permanent change in my life. 

So, instead of going to the cafeteria and buying something that's
crappy for me, I am going to say no to my lazy self and
yes to eating these clementines I brought to work.

Yes, this post was inspired by that - choosing to eat clementines, a very easy thing to eat,
when I'd rather just eat a bagel.  Hopefully these incredibly
simple steps along with developing a sustainable work-out plan
will help me make bigger, more
important commitments for future steps toward a healthier life.