Saturday, March 5, 2016

Two 2 & under - Mama's sick

So I've been dealing with some illnesses lately. The easiest to talk about is the stomach flu. I landed in the -
no, not hospital -
bed a couple of weeks ago after spending some time with the other "John" in this house while my beloved John did what he could to help.
It was only 24 hours. I truly thanked God for that since I had the stomach flu just a year earlier, and that incident lasted for 5 days.
Then there's another kind of illness that I'd rather not have to think about: postpartum anxiety.
To be honest, I would take a week-straight of the stomach flu over this mental monster. 
I won't get into what it all feels like right now, but I have to say this: being new to just about everyone here, it's
depressing to have this be my first impression that I give to so many of the women I am meeting. 
It's not because they are women and is not because they are mean or cold or anything, but instead it's just another in a series of unforseen social hurdles in this difficult chapter of my life.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Maybe just a little extra joy / It's ok to miss.

It's been over 4.5 years since my dad died.  I feel like I'm through the grieving process in that I don't experience those same symptoms that accompanied me so strongly for the first two years.  But you never replace a lost loved-one with anything or anyone. There should never be an attempt with such a thing. Sure, you can get married again or have another kid, find new friends or take up activity that takes up the time you used to spend with someone else.  None of that is bad, and most of it is good, but none of that can actually fabricate the person that is now gone.

So it's ok to miss, and sometimes those misses are hard ones, but it's ok to do it because you can't get that person back. 

That all said, I do know that I'll see my dad again some day because he put his faith in Christ before he died.  So sometimes, with the heart of the little girl that he pushed on the swing at the local city park, I ask God to tell my dad that I love him. 

I know you can't really communicate with people in heaven, and I know that our relationships will be different with one another when we get there, but I would just like to think, if not pretend, that God would do such a thing. 

Maybe it could just be a little extra joy that day, if extra is possible in that perfect and most excellent place.  Maybe it could be just a little more...joyful, a little more warmth, that would say to him "I'm doing ok, but I'm so excited to see you someday, and in the grand scheme of things, it will be someday soon."

Like an amputee who misses their arm or a blind person who misses their sight, I have both learned to be ok despite this loss, and I have learned that some things, and some people, are just ok to miss no matter how ok you are.