TTC T: Why can't I get pregnant?

When you search the words
"Why can't I" in a
Google search bar,
the first completed sentence that comes up is
"Why can't I get pregnant?"


Such a painful, piercing question.

It almost left my vocabulary entirely, that is
until I was a week late.

Once you allow the thermometer to accompany you
an the charting to measure you
and the cycles to define you (or, really, your uterus -
but sometimes,
you),
you tend to know what's happening when and
what shouldn't
happen.

Instead of dealing with the same pain the same way each month,
I developed a numbness,
a denial, in a way, that allowed me to
acknowledge that something I have
is the signal for
something I do not, but that it is
a normal,
expected,
unfortunate,
yet simple thing.

Well, when the unexpected happens and they
signal a
confusion, then
          concern, then
                      fear, then
                        wonder, then
                           anticipation, then
                                               Hope!

I haven't tangibly felt hope in a very long time,
and it was fleeting. 
                            
The old questions crept back,
                         Why
                          can't
                          I
                          get
                          pregnant?

It doesn't feel that great to hear one big
empty, silent answer.
Regardless how that feels,
I have faith
and plenty of reason to believe,
as hard and sometimes impossible as it is,
that there's hope. 

Fixing Skinny Fat

I hope you all enjoy this little venture into and out of the
confusing thoughts I tend to have
when it comes to health.

I'm all about healthy eating, and I'm
all about being active and working out,
and I'm all about maintaining a positive outlook on life.

Yes, I'm all about those things, except for when it comes to myself.


I'm about the same weight I've been for the last 5 years,
the same size in outer- and under-garments, and
pretty much look about the same in the face.

Well, I'll tell you what (and it takes a lot for me to put this out here):
skinny-fat is what I am, and it's been taking the effort
to move a mountain to get me from being that way.

What's skinny-fat?  Well, while most people would find my
height, weight, size, stature desirable (except for when it comes to clothes shopping),
my health is probably worse than many of those who outweigh me by 20 or 30 lbs
yet possess strength and muscle development.


It's hard for some people to understand why
being the size I am isn't always a "godsend,"
and it's also hard for some people
(some of whom have practically called me a liar!)
to believe that I did struggle with weight at one point in my life.

Please note that I am sensitive to those with
genetic difficulties and food additions and physical limitations. 
This is not a comparison to those who are in a medically difficult situation.  

Freshmen year of college did me many favors -
great friends, a great school, great college ministry.
Where I screwed up immensely was with my eating habits.
Long story short, I worked that following summer to get back to my
pre-college size and health.
Longer story short, I've learned that calories in + calories out = weight maintenance.

What has taken me longer (much, much longer) to do is to actually
change my eating and working-out lifestyle to one that helps my
overall health, not just my weight.  You'd think I'd learn that given
my dad's struggle with health during the last 21 years of his life,
but food has become something I only wanted to eat in the easiest way possible. 

I'll tell ya - I'd have 100+ more posts about food on here if I
actually cooked as much as I need to, but when I don't want to cook,
we - me and my hubs - go for something easy, cheap(ish...not really), and typically crappy.
Granted, we do make good choices from time to time, but
being lethargic about food has usurped all of that.

SO, that was the round-about-way of letting you all know how
I've come to this place in my life where I know I need to make
a change for my health.  Oh, but one more detail:

my jeans are getting annoyingly tight, and I hate it.

No, I don't have as far to go as someone on "The Biggest Loser,"
but my life has all the makings for ending up on that show
5, 10, 20 years down the road.
I don't want that to happen, so I'm using these
tight jeans of mine that weren't tight when I bought them
as a sign.  It's a sign, simple and "minor" as it is, that I need
to get my butt into gear (literally) and
make a permanent change in my life. 

So, instead of going to the cafeteria and buying something that's
crappy for me, I am going to say no to my lazy self and
yes to eating these clementines I brought to work.

Yes, this post was inspired by that - choosing to eat clementines, a very easy thing to eat,
when I'd rather just eat a bagel.  Hopefully these incredibly
simple steps along with developing a sustainable work-out plan
will help me make bigger, more
important commitments for future steps toward a healthier life.

funny -

I just looked at my Google Reader's suggested items to read. 

Guess who showed up?

Me.

Sometimes I wonder what these people on Google and Facebook are doing when they make their search engine logarithms.

TTC Tuesdays - An Opener

This is a new series for a new blog of mine that will post on all or most Tuesdays -
Trying to Conceive Tuesdays -TTC Tuesdays for short.

It will ramble through the many questions, frustrations, irony, and sarcastic/dry/dark/light/ridiculous humor that comes with living in the world of infertility.

Today's topic - An Opener

If you have told your family, friends, and
maybe the world
                (if you blog)
that you are trying to have a baby,
then any announcement comes with an assumption of
"You're pregnant!

So, when you have been going through infertility and
start a conversation with a friend by saying "I've got some news -"
be sure to say "and I'm not pregnant" as
quickly as you can.  

No need to have your friend to spread
fake news,
false hope,
or fantasy-ful ideas about how to get an in on the middle name of your future kid.

This is a re-post from the trial version of this blog.  If you're read it before, thanks for checking back in. :)

The land.

It's an interesting thing,
having grown up in a small town that was
very much tied to the country
                       (that is, rural-land-country)
and
being brought up by parents
who were from a town of less than 300,
my entire sense of balance is completely off when
it just isn't quite right -
"it" being "the land."

It wasn't until snow came back this past month that
I started to feel any sense of normalcy with
how the weather has been.

When global warming was the pre-climate change
and people actually were a little ok with
El Nino
making winters tolerable
and early March balmy,
it didn't bother me that the snow
wasn't falling and the
robins came back earlier.

But this past winter, where we've received almost
no snow
and the drought that started two years ago
kept going
and the ground was dusty from brown dirt
instead of
white snow...
it felt wrong.

Yes, I hate how winter drags on, and
yes, I much, much prefer spring to fall
                                  (sorry, but autumn is a distinct #2 on my list),
but if there isn't snow in winter,
then it's just not right.

So thankfully I now have some snow.
And it will be gone (mostly) with tomorrow's sun, and
back (mostly) with
the next five day's predicted snowfall.

I feel right, now,
that I can be officially and
appropriately
sick of
winter,
and that's because
it's a little bit more right
with
the land.  

Welcome [again]

Welcome [again]:

I'm a
warrior in christ
and a warrior's wife
and a warrior, who's a wife.

My name, Laura, means victory.

I am victorious in Christ, and hope to,
                                                 somehow,
                                                         be victorious in life. 


Here is a blog that I'm [re-]starting, which will be about many, many things,
but I hope it can be both a place just to write and,
primarily, an encouragement to those out there who are
Christians,
and non-Christians,
Women,
Wives,
Military,
Creatives,
Food-fans,
Drink-fans,
Teachers,
Students,
and
people just trying to fight the good fight.

Welcome to
                   The Warrior Wife.

New Name

My blog has a new name.

I'll explain more later, but here I am

feisty like i ought to be - adieu.

the warrior wife - for life.

3 years

3 whole years
and
more or less days
I have been barren
and
lost in this maze
of
dark despair
and
impenetrable haze -
how I long for clear years
and
cloudless days.

A bit of perspective from a TV host

  For the most part, I like Kathie Lee Gifford.

I think she is funny and savvy,
has (several of) her
morals intact, and she brings
a non-formulaic breath of fresh air to the Today Show.

I don't watch the Today Show
(including the fourth hour)
as much these days due
to the fact that I work in the morning
and that the whole show
has gotten fairly
underwhelming and/or slanted in a variety of ways,
but I appreciate what this host said in a book of hers not too long ago,
and I hope she still believes it:

"Today's [talk] shows make me miss Johnny Carson. and Jack Paar. And Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, and Dick Cavett. I miss people who knew how to talk to people intelligently, without insulting or demeaning them, and also knew how to listen.

"And while I am at it, I miss Bill Crosby, Bob Newhart, Tim Conway, Carol Burnett - people who knew how to make you laugh without maiking you feel guilty about it.

Sex does not automatically equal entertainment.  Filthy words do not automatically make someone a comedian. And screaming and interrupting certainly does not equal having a conversation."

Definitely something to consider.

Outliers and my dad

My husband just read the book titled "The Outliers."

A key premise of the book is that an individual's propensity for success
is significantly impacted by said individual's environment.

Last night, my husband said (with logic found in this book) that it my dad's long life post cancer diagnosis
likely had as much to do with the community he was surrounded by than
the world-class medical facility where he received treatment.

Truth be told,
having lived in my home town from birth through college,
I wouldn't be at the least surprised.