Tuesday, March 12, 2013

TTC T: Why can't I get pregnant?

When you search the words
"Why can't I" in a
Google search bar,
the first completed sentence that comes up is
"Why can't I get pregnant?"

Such a painful, piercing question.

It almost left my vocabulary entirely, that is
until I was a week late.

Once you allow the thermometer to accompany you
an the charting to measure you
and the cycles to define you (or, really, your uterus -
but sometimes,
you tend to know what's happening when and
what shouldn't

Instead of dealing with the same pain the same way each month,
I developed a numbness,
a denial, in a way, that allowed me to
acknowledge that something I have
is the signal for
something I do not, but that it is
a normal,
yet simple thing.

Well, when the unexpected happens and they
signal a
confusion, then
          concern, then
                      fear, then
                        wonder, then
                           anticipation, then

I haven't tangibly felt hope in a very long time,
and it was fleeting. 
The old questions crept back,

It doesn't feel that great to hear one big
empty, silent answer.
Regardless how that feels,
I have faith
and plenty of reason to believe,
as hard and sometimes impossible as it is,
that there's hope. 


  1. Don't lose hope! It's an amazing thing and God is an amazing creator.
    We were at a conference this last weekend and they were talking about looking at things that seem too big or impossible to face and he said (something along the lines of) 'When you look at that and say it's impossible, are you saying God isn't big enough?'
    I thought that was pretty cool. Because of course God is big enough. And his timing and plan is perfect. (Even though, more times than I'd like to admit I wish he'd just follow my plan and save himself the hassle... ha.)
    Hang in there, friend! Thinking of you and praying for you!

  2. I've known for a long time... that if I could only find a genie... I would wish for you exactly what you are hoping for. Until then, I will continue to pray along you and all who love you. :)


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