I miss my dad...again.

...some hurts die hard.

Two 2 & under - Mama's sick

So I've been dealing with some illnesses lately. The easiest to talk about is the stomach flu. I landed in the -
no, not hospital -
bed a couple of weeks ago after spending some time with the other "John" in this house while my beloved John did what he could to help.

It was only 24 hours. I truly thanked God for that since I had the stomach flu just a year earlier, and that incident lasted for 5 days.

Then there's another kind of illness that I'd rather not have to think about: postpartum anxiety.

To be honest, I would take a week-straight of the stomach flu over this mental monster. 

I won't get into what it all feels like right now, but I have to say this: being new to just about everyone here, it's
frustrating,
stressful,
and
depressing to have this be my first impression that I give to so many of the women I am meeting. 

It's not because they are women and is not because they are mean or cold or anything, but instead it's just another in a series of unforseen social hurdles in this difficult chapter of my life.

Maybe just a little extra joy / It's ok to miss.

It's been over 4.5 years since my dad died.  I feel like I'm through the grieving process in that I don't experience those same symptoms that accompanied me so strongly for the first two years.  But you never replace a lost loved-one with anything or anyone. There should never be an attempt with such a thing. Sure, you can get married again or have another kid, find new friends or take up activity that takes up the time you used to spend with someone else.  None of that is bad, and most of it is good, but none of that can actually fabricate the person that is now gone.

So it's ok to miss, and sometimes those misses are hard ones, but it's ok to do it because you can't get that person back. 

That all said, I do know that I'll see my dad again some day because he put his faith in Christ before he died.  So sometimes, with the heart of the little girl that he pushed on the swing at the local city park, I ask God to tell my dad that I love him. 

I know you can't really communicate with people in heaven, and I know that our relationships will be different with one another when we get there, but I would just like to think, if not pretend, that God would do such a thing. 

Maybe it could just be a little extra joy that day, if extra is possible in that perfect and most excellent place.  Maybe it could be just a little more...joyful, a little more warmth, that would say to him "I'm doing ok, but I'm so excited to see you someday, and in the grand scheme of things, it will be someday soon."

Like an amputee who misses their arm or a blind person who misses their sight, I have both learned to be ok despite this loss, and I have learned that some things, and some people, are just ok to miss no matter how ok you are.

Two, 2 & under - hard and good pt. 1

It's hard because there are two kids who are better at cryong than communicating through words.

It's good because they communicate happiness through cuddles than through flippant "thanks".

Thank you notes - thursday 2.4.16

Thank you, spring, for not waiting as long to happen in sone states as others.

Thank you, rain, for cleaning up the mess that Jonas made.

Thank you, reality, for existing in weather forecasts and showing me that winter isn't gone yet.

Thank you, weeks 6, 7, & 8 of my son's life. Because you came to be, I am quickly forgetting about his intense witching hour and enjoying mesmerizingly sweet smiles and coos.

Thank you, sleep, for beinging what you are. Same goes for you, chocolate, hot showers, and Bad Lip Reading NFL '16.

Thank you, God, for hope, healing, faith, and family.

Musings during midnight feedings

My dreamfeed times all have one definite characteristic: they're long.

Zeke takes the dreamfeed around 10 or 11 at night, and he is usually pretty sleepy but nevertheless still takes a full meal.
 
What does this mean? Slow progress on his part and a lot of free time on mine.

Life is finally starting to get a little bit easier with two kids under 2, but I can't say I'm at point of it being easy. There are days when I'll look at my offspring with adoration, and there are days when I'd rather not look and instead hide my head under every pillow and blanket in the house.

Some exciting things that happened this week:
-my son smiled for the first time on Tuesday!
- my daughters verbal capabilities have taken a huge leap: sentences!

That was supposed to be far more plentiful list, but since it took me a good 30 seconds to come up with the word "plentiful," I'm going to cut it off right here. I was thinking of a way to show how darn tired I've been and how my days are busy, but I think the brevity this post shows the extent to which my brain is fairly dead.

I love my kids, I love my husband, I love God, and I love sleep.

Goodnight!

It's the flu, it's a hangover - no, it's sleep deprivation!

"Maybe the only 21 months of age separation between my kids is really taking a toll, or perhaps the lack of nap opportunities is it, but I feel like I'm going to physically fall apart."

This is how I felt a couple days ago. Slight fever, congested head, achy body, difficulty walking straight.  If I didn't have sleep deprivation to blame, I would have put myself in the doctor's office, no question. 

I totally agree with sleeping when the baby sleeps, but that advice is difficult to when ah toddler is around. 

So, after registering at least a (body temp) degree more than usual, I put a drop off Theives oil blend in my water bottle and felt better right away. 

Now all I need is an IV drip of espresso, and maybe I'll just have enough energy to keep from crying about fatigue one again.
Side note: my husband is a trooper for being my audience of one during these early weeks.

Two, two and under: the beginning

"Imma gonna cry."

That's how I feel about 59% of the time when both of my kids are awake.  So I thought to myself, why not blog about life and thoughts more often so I can give my husband a break from all the moping and spread the love to you all out there on the interwebs? 

Perhaps you're an in-real-life friend and have been with me on both or infertility journey as well as our journey into parenthood. You may know then that it took us some time to conceive, and you may know that biological clocks area real thing. 

Also, perhaps you are of the opinion that having kids close together is a great, and you were all for us having 2 so close together...but you secretly knew it'd land us in survival mode for LIFE!

Well, welcome (or welcome back) to our world.  I am a wife to a seminary student/military officer/a future "Good Reverend", and I am now a mom to a sweet, precocious 21-month-old girl and a cute 2-week-old boy.

I hope to write about this experience of raising two youngins and attempting to be a realtively good wife. Oh yeah, and being the individual God made me to be within and outside of these titles.

All this said, life is truly good. We are healthy, our kids are healthy, and we have the joy of God in our hearts.  

That said, life is also truly crazy, so if you're willing to get on that train with me, all aboard!

No "ambush prayer" allowed.

It's not something people may think about, especially those who have been in an evangelical and/or non-denominational Christian community for some time.

You're sitting there in church/a meeting/class/a bible study, and all of a sudden the primary speaker closes his or her eyes (doesn't even bow his or her head!) and starts with a "Heavenly Father" or "Dear God" or "Abba, daddy, hey-yo!"

By the time you realize it's a prayer, the leader could already be saying "In Jesus' name" and finishing the prayer you didn't know was happening! 

Listeners of yours may be deep in thought, reflecting on a past experience, wondering how their loved one would receive such teaching, or simply trying to take in what they are thinking and feeling at the moment.  They also may be wondering where you're going with your teaching, since throwing in "ambush prayer" is an easy way to end something without giving a good conclusion. 

Conclusions to teaching are tricky, but what can make them mystifying is if you all of a sudden look like you're easing a tension headache by tightly shutting your eyes and elevating your hands to waste level.

So, folks, if you're ever in charge of teaching people or giving a testimony and you want to end something with a prayer, first of all make sure you are actually ending what you have been saying, and then say "Let's pray."  They're just two simple words that unify the church by getting them all on the same page.

Mooing for honking....mostly

We recently moved (moooooved?) from Iowa to a pretty rural part of PA. Where we lived in Iowa was just 100 yards from the interstate. You would hear engine breaking, semi-truck honking, and the screeching of many a tire.

Here, you hear cows, cows, cows. That's because the town we live in is quite small, and one farm at the edge of our town possesses a vocal herd of cattle.

For days on end we will hear nothing, and if we are lucky, smell nothing, too. But last night and again just this afternoon, cows and cows possibly upon cows are bellowing like its the second coming.

Call me a city girl (I'm really not), but few things are as weird to listen to than collective moo from a bunch of cattle all at once and all day and night. Who knew they were so dang loud?

Well, I did, actually, as I have stayed at my family's farm many times in my life. That said, never have I heard a whole team of cows moo all at once, nor have those moos gone on for two days straight.

What would I rather have? Of course it'd be the occasional cacophony of bellowing than the consistently jarring sound of interstate or big city traffic, but I will say - the moos are no more peaceful than semi-truck noise at 1 in the morning!

One odd thing, though: people around here do lay on thier horns. It's not because someone cut them off, though; it's because they want to say "hello" to someone walking on the street!