Wednesday, January 25, 2012

What Infertility Feels Like

It feels like a bully.

Not that one that says crap to you at your locker every day. 

You can take care of him (or her) with a smart phrase or two.

No, this bully is a tormentor,
and - perfect.

It makes you believe that everything is perfectly wrong at just the worst time.
It gets you right after you think you finally did it.
Yes, you finally did it! actually didn't.

It feels like discouragement.

It makes you believe that you're

It tells you that you've got something wrong with you.

It tells you that you can keep trying,
but it's probably not worth it.

It feels like a thief.

It robs you of your joy.
It robs you of your hope.
It robs you of your future.

It makes you question proven solutions,
question any alternatives,
question everything you do.

It makes you question your past.

Why did you wait to try at all?
Why didn't you try as soon as you could?
What's the purpose of doing "what's wise" when
       you don't even have the self-experienced wisdom
       to know what the...what you are doing?

It makes you feel like you've been a disappointment.
    Why didn't you give your dad a grandchild?
    You know, your grandpa will never know your kids now that his memory is going.
    Will your sister ever get to be an aunt?

It makes you doubt your whole future.

You were supposed to be a great mom.
    Will you even be a mom?
    What says you can get pregnant?
    Who says you could ever afford (or achieve!!) adoption?
    Why do you think you're special enough to have a family?
    Why do you think you're special enough to do...anything?

It feels like you've lost a part of you:
    -An arm
    -a leg
    -your hearing
    -your sight
    -your heart.

... ... ... ... ...

It'd be great never to have to deal with these things,
but this is my lot in life right now. 

Nothing is impossible with God,
nothing at all.
Yet, even He knows that this pain is insufferable.
Proverbs 30:15b-16
 “There are three things that are never satisfied,
   four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
16 the grave, the barren womb,
   land, which is never satisfied with water,
   and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’  

I love, love, love kids.
It's amazing to be there for them,
to play with them,
to imagine with them,
to help them understand life on earth.

But with as much joy as I get from kids,
                          -and trust me, there is plenty of it-
I can't ignore this hurt,
It's been 2 long years,
including these last 6 particularly long months.

Insufferable as it may be,
I still have hope: 
hope that there is still a chance,
hope that it's just a matter of time,
hope that somehow, this blessing will happen.

Here's to hope - in God - that things start looking up  -
                                                                         hopefully soon. 

Romans 5:1-5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.



  1. Thanks for this post. I respect your bravery for sharing this so much. I will be praying that God will overflow your cup with hope.

  2. Thanks, Kaci! I appreciate your prayer and encouragement!

  3. Not many share the struggles that are put in front of them. You are a strong, and trusting, person to do so. Whatever is ahead for you and John, I know that you two can and will handle it. I am wishing and hoping for you both to become parents -- in whatever way possible -- because I know from experience what a caring person you are. Hope and love are things that are nurtured, you can make more, and you have mine.

    Tara H.

  4. I would agree with you. But would add it brought me closer to God. It brought me closer to Rusty. And it makes rocking this miracle to sleep (again) at 4 am so much sweeter. Praying for you always!

  5. Tara - thank you for your encouragement! I'm sure you're a huge encouragement to people you get to see everyday, especially given the encouragement you give to me from time to time!

    Heidi - Thanks for your insight. I definitely know those first two things you mentioned are happening/will happen for me (although I'll be getting closer to John, not Rusty ;) ), so I'm waiting to see them develop further. Your story is an inspiration to me!

    Katie - thanks for your prayers!! I love you, too, and I'm still in disbelief that your little Mollie is already one year and one day old!

  6. Oh dear Laura, I've apparently not been getting your posts in my feed, although I subscribed. I've been praying for you and came to your blog hoping that you'd been posting. And I see you have been in a very articulate, vulnerable, God-honoring way. I'm proud of you for turning to God amidst trouble. I'm praying that God will honor your requests.

    1. Hey Heather! It's ok - things like that happen often. Thanks for checking in and thanks for the encouragement! I hope to see you sometime this summer!


Hi! click the "subscribe by e-mail" link to see follow-up replies to your awesome comments. You'll love it!